Episode 1: A boy is born in Tzatzikistan: Preface, featuring Lola, a practically toothless cleaning lady and Claus von Cloudszwausen, a statue
The suspended statue in front of LEX… So, you think you know who this man is? Because, after what I read, it became obvious to me that I am the only one who really knows who the walking man is!
Of course you ask yourselves, who am I to come uninvited and claim such a thing. And I will tell you right on, because I have nothing left to lose, apart my golden tooth, the only one remaining. I had to sell the other ones to bribe my way to this country, where my connections had promised to me that I would become a hoola-hop dancer, a promise they failed to keep.
And here I am, an old cleaning lady with just one tooth left instead.
My name is Lola Popov. You never see me of course because I start my work in the LEX early, cleaning your offices while you are still stuck in bed or somewhere in Affligem-Ternat, which I have been told is not a beer. Sometimes I clean your fridges, whereby I often wonder, why are you so fond of diet products. What's wrong with full yogurt? Normal cheese, feta? Or even the occasional sausage? But more often I clean your toilets, and it's me who wrote the new sticker asking you to clean the WC every time, the whole day trough. Please excuse my spelling mistakes, I went to school for only 3 hours, although people tell me I have a talent for languages…And when my work is done, I sneak in an empty office and pretend to be one of you, do as you do: surf the net en stoemeling ...
And this is how I read your questions about the identity of The Statue.
But my personal story can wait. I must start telling you about the strange statue in front of the building, the suspended man in pyjamas, because I will feel terribly awful if I die before telling you (I am 98 years old but under the new statut I have not yet completed my years to take my pension).
This man is Claus von Cloudszwausen. Of noble polish-german origin, he was born in Tzatzikistan, a prosperous Greek colony during Great Alexander, later to become a failed country when the price of carrots, the pillar of its economy, collapsed because its people had been buying carrots for years on hedge funds. And things got even worse when, based on a local study about the imminent Climate change, the Tzatziki government had the bright idea of bailing out the economy by heavily investing in banana plantations.
Claus von Cloudszwausen was the offspring of Demosthenes von Cloudszwausen, a half-Polish half-Greek former feta-cheese salesman with a German titre de noblesse (nobody knows how he got it, although rumour has it by selling feta to the First King of Greece, Otto), and a Russian singer, Olga Volga. Claus was born on the first morning of an early spring in 1961 a Tzatziki citizen due to a strange turn of events. His father Demosthenes had to urgently seek asylum in Tzatzikistan after selling in Poland feta cheese that had expired. Soon after crossing illegally the border to Tzatzikistan (he bribed the custom agents with what was left to him of expired feta, convincing them it was Savon de Marseille) he met Olga Volga that had swam across the Volga to seek a (real) man to marry her, when she caught her rich Russian boyfriend, Volodnya Schwarzkopf, a Russian-born Jewish and heir of the famous hair products magnate, colouring his hair, whereby he admitted with tears in his eyes that he was gay and keeping his name because it ends in -a.
She immediately put on her sexiest bikini and nearly froze to death crossing the river Volga to Tzatzikistan seeking a better future and a real man.
And she met a few…
But I have to go now, before the cleaning supervisor sees me... I will publish the rest of the story, the real and only one, of Claus von Cloudswauzen, aka "the Statue", soon, when I get the time again.
PS: You may see the name Rota terminologist after my post, but you can call me with my real name, Lola. Incidentally, what is a Rota terminologist? I Googled it, and I got O hits. The machine asked me: "Did you mean: Whirling terminologist, as in Whirling dervish"? and I could not answer. By the way, can we say "Rota dervish"? Just asking...
Click here for Lola's song
Click here for the song Lola thought of while swimming the river Volga